Horror October: Necro-nom-nom-icon….Cookbook of the Dead by Braineater Jones

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I can think of no better way to officially kick off Horror October than a visit by Braineater Jones himself. He has been kind enough to give us some pointers on how to keep those pesky undead friends of yours happy. Listen closely, it could just save your life… maybe even your un-life.

Hey there, cats and kittens. Braineater Jones here.

That’s right, a-holes. The man himself. Ever since I set up shop here in the Welcome Mat and became, well, let’s just cut through the froo-for-all and face it, a pillar of the undead community, I’ve been getting letters.

Whiny letters. Letters from old ladies, mostly, and churchy types. So far I’ve just been letting my “partner,” Alcibé the severed head, answer ’em. Which is why you haven’t seen anything back. Ha! Stupid head. It’s gettin’ to the point now though where I just want to say, “Shut up! I got crimes to solve and dames to lay.” But, you know, you can’t put that into writing in polite company. Or did I just?

Well, anyway, I finally decided to answer one of these inkeries, ’cause it’s gettin’ to the point where I can hardly even find a place to clean out my morning maggot hole in peace, what with all the fat stacks of fan mail lying around. So here’s a totally legit one:

Dear Brainsy,

You are so handsome and intelligent and above all else, tall. (Yes, I am a real twist with getaway sticks to die for and not somebody you just made up. But that’s neither here nor there.) What kind of tips do you have for caring for the recently deseized?

All My Love (and Panties, If You Want ‘Em)

Jane Rita Bones”

Good question, Jane Rita! And, may I say, well written, too.

The most important thing about caring for our kind is to feed us right. Now, the first thing to unnastan is, there’s two kinds of walking corpses: bubs and dims. Bubs like myself are thinky and drinky. But without booze, or, even with a little booze and a lot of time, we become dims. (Some people call dims “braineaters.” Yeah, like my nickname. But that’s not the kind of word you use around ladies. What? Don’t chastise me for being a hippopotamus. I’m reclaimin’ it.)

Aaaaaaaanyway, dims only want one thing: grey matter. Little inconvenient if you happen to be a breather, but kind of funny for the rest of us. Well, except when it results in pogroms. But I digest! Let’s take a look at some of the best recipes for both kinds of deadheads.

RECIPES FOR DIMS

1. Raw Brain

 
Ingredients:
One (1) human, preferably a child
One (1) ice cream scoop
One (1) bowl
One (1) crowbar
One (1) hacksaw

Directions:
Knock the child out with the crowbar. Using the hacksaw, gently saw roughly one half-inch all around the head, being carefully to stop sawing when you pierce the bone, but before you hit the precious, precious brains. Pry the top of the skull off, using the crowbar again if necessary. With the ice cream scoop, move the brain into the bowl, being careful not to sever the spinal column. Be sure to serve warm and bloody, or dims won’t touch it. Garnish with chunks of scalp to taste.

2. Brain a la mode

(Same as above, but serve with a scoop of ice cream. Wash the scoop off first or not, depending on taste.)

RECIPES FOR BUBS

1. Old Crow, Neat

 
Ingredients:
One (1) bottle of Old Crow Kentucky Straight Bourbon
One (1) lowball glass (substitute shotglass if necessary)

Directions:
Pour bourbon into glass and serve.

Well, there you have it, folks! The best way to take care of the undead is to keep us fed and keep us happy, so hopefully these recipes have gone a long way towards helping you satisfy the overpowering and all-consuming bloodlust with which we live daily. Toodles and cheers!

ABOUT THE GUEST BLOGGER

brain

Braineater Jones is the author of his own bestselling autobiography, available for purchase here. To share a drink with him, tweet #cheerstobraineaterjones. Otherwise you can find out more at http://manuscriptsburn.blogspot.com.

Huge thanks to the man behind the zombie, Stephen Kozeniewski! I reviewed Braineater Jones here.

Horror October: Coming Up!

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It’s time to dust up your costumes and cultivate your spiderwebs, because Horror October is back.

It’s the best time of year to read all of those books you’ve been too scared to open, and curl up on the sofa to watch you favourite scary movie, so I’m dedicating a whole month to doing just that.

However, if you’re not a fan of horror, do not fret, I’m using the term quite loosely and hope that there will be something to suit everyone (it’s not like I could go a month without reading any Children’s or YA)!

Join me!

The Books

I clearly won’t get round to all of these within the month (especially considering how long it’s taking me to read Needful Things), but I’m going to give it a bloody good try.

Click on the images to for the Goodreads page

New & Upcoming Releases


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Printer’s Devil Court
A mysterious manuscript lands on the desk of the step-son of the late Dr Hugh Meredith, a country doctor with a prosperous and peaceful practice in a small English town. From the written account he has left behind, however, we learn that Meredith was haunted by events that took place years before, during his training as a junior doctor near London’s Fleet Street, in a neighbourhood virtually unchanged since Dickens’s times.

Living then in rented digs, Meredith gets to know two other young medics, who have been carrying out audacious and terrifying research and experiments. Now they need the help of another who must be a doctor capable of total discretion and strong nerves.

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An English Ghost Story

A dysfunctional British nuclear family seek a new life away from the big city in the sleepy Somerset countryside.

At first their new home, The Hollow, seems to embrace them, creating a rare peace and harmony within the family. But when the house turns on them, it seems to know just how to hurt them the most—threatening to destroy them from the inside out.
 

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Ice Massacre
A mermaid’s supernatural beauty serves one purpose: to lure a sailor to his death.

The Massacre is supposed to bring peace to Eriana Kwai. Every year, the island sends its warriors to battle these hostile sea demons. Every year, the warriors fail to return. Desperate for survival, the island must decide on a new strategy. Now, the fate of Eriana Kwai lies in the hands of twenty battle-trained girls and their resistance to a mermaid’s allure.
 

 

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Wakening the Crow
With the looming shadow of Edgar Allan Poe falling over one family, Gregory takes the reader into a world of uncertainty and fear.

Oliver Gooch comes across a tooth, in a velvet box, with a handwritten note from 1888 to say it’s a tooth from the boy Edgar Allan Poe. He displays it in his new bookshop, and names the store Poe’s Tooth Books.

Oliver took the money from his small daughter Chloe’s accident insurance and bought a converted church to live in with his altered child and wife. Rosie hopes Chloe will came back to herself but Oliver is secretly relieved to have this new easy-to-manage child, and holds at bay the guilt that the accident was a result of his negligence. On a freezing night he and Chloe come across the crow, a raggedy skeletal wretch of a bird, and it refuses to leave. It infiltrates their lives, it alters Oliver’s relationship with Rosie, it changes Chloe. It’s a dangerous presence in the firelit, shadowy old vestry, in Poe’s Tooth Books.

Inexorably the family, the tooth, the crow, the church and their story will draw to a terrifying climax.

From the TBR Shelves

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Needful Things
Leland Gaunt opens a new shop in Castle Rock called Needful Things. Anyone who enters his store finds the object of his or her lifelong dreams and desires: a prized baseball card, a healing amulet. In addition to a token payment, Gaunt requests that each person perform a little “deed,” usually a seemingly innocent prank played on someone else from town. These practical jokes cascade out of control and soon the entire town is doing battle with itself. Only Sheriff Alan Pangborn suspects that Gaunt is behind the population’s increasingly violent behavior.

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Doll Bones
Zach, Poppy and Alice have been friends for ever. They love playing with their action figure toys, imagining a magical world of adventure and heroism. But disaster strikes when, without warning, Zach’s father throws out all his toys, declaring he’s too old for them. Zach is furious, confused and embarrassed, deciding that the only way to cope is to stop playing . . . and stop being friends with Poppy and Alice. But one night the girls pay Zach a visit, and tell him about a series of mysterious occurrences. Poppy swears that she is now being haunted by a china doll – who claims that it is made from the ground-up bones of a murdered girl. They must return the doll to where the girl lived, and bury it. Otherwise the three children will be cursed for eternity . .

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Dark Satanic Mills
Set in a near-future Britain, Dark Satanic Mills tracks a young girl’s journey from the flooded landmarks of London to the vast, scorched and abandoned hills of the north. Framed for a murder she did not commit, the innocent and beautiful Christie has no other choice but to run for her life. Both a cautionary tale and a rip-roaring road trip, Dark Satanic Mills is altogether an intelligent, captivating and thrilling ride – The Wizard of Oz for a new generation, told in exhilarating shades of light and dark.

 
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Killer Spiders
It is 2005 in Great Britain, and an invasion of venomous spiders has hit the country. Hitchhiking’ in imported food, the spiders are able to thrive in the changing climate. At first, coverage of the attack is overlooked in favour of world events, but soon the spiders begin to take over. They cover everything they come across in gigantic webs and kill everything in sight. Their favourite food? Humans. Immune to insecticides and pesticides, the spiders multiply and take over towns and villages, spreading outwards from the London sewers. Dire consequences ensue for many residents of Great Britain as they fight to keep the killer spider epidemic under control…

Ghostly Guest Posts /Features

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I have some great features and guest posts lined up – here is but a taster (in other words the ones I can remember off the top of my head/the ones that are finished and ready to go).

Necro-nom-nom-icon: Cookbook of the Dead by Braineater Jones

Ever wondered how to feed your pet zombie? Braineater Jones himself stops by to give us some tips on how to keep the undead happy.#Cheerstobraineaterjones

Revisiting Point Horror

I take a look at some of my favourite Point Horror books and see how reading them today compares.

When the 90’s Come Back to Haunt You

Kimberly G. Giarratano, author of Grunge, Gods, and Graveyards takes us back to the 90’s with a haunting Halloween playlist.

You’ve Been Here Before

Think horror, and you can’t help but think of Stephen King. I have a gander at some of the most King-esque non-King things there is. Try saying that when you’re drunk.

Forgotten Fangers

You might have missed these Vampire Movies. Shame on you!

Braineater Jones by Stephen Kozeniewski

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Title: Braineater Jones
Series: N/A
Author: Stephen Kozeniewski
Edition: e-book, 234 pages
Published: October 14th 2013 by Red Adept Publishing, LLC
Genre(s): Horror; Mystery
Disclosure? Yep! I received a copy via the publisher/author in exchange for an HONEST review.
Goodreads
Amazon

Braineater Jones wakes up face down in a swimming pool with no memory of his former life, how he died, or why he’s now a zombie. With a smart-aleck severed head as a partner, Jones descends into the undead ghetto to solve his own murder.

But Jones’s investigation is complicated by his crippling addiction to human flesh. Like all walking corpses, he discovers that only a stiff drink can soothe his cravings. Unfortunately, finding liquor during Prohibition is costly and dangerous. From his Mason jar, the cantankerous Old Man rules the only speakeasy in the city that caters to the postmortem crowd.

As the booze, blood, and clues coagulate, Jones gets closer to discovering the identity of his killer and the secrets behind the city’s stranglehold on liquid spirits. Death couldn’t stop him, but if the liquor dries up, the entire city will be plunged into an orgy of cannibalism.

Cracking this case is a tall order. Braineater Jones won’t get out alive, but if he plays his cards right, he might manage to salvage the last scraps of his humanity.

Braineater Jones is a darkly comic, tongue-in-cheek mystery about a Zombie trying to figure out who killed him. What’s not to like!?

It took me a little while to get into the rhythm of this book, and I felt like it was trying too hard to be funny at first, but it didn’t take long settle down, and I ended up really enjoying the style of it.

Braineater Jones is set during the 1930’s and written in a simple diary-entry structure. It was interesting to have a narrator with amnesia who was documenting his ‘un-life’ as he calls it, day-by-day. Once Jones has come to terms with his new Zombie self, maggots and all, the first thing he has to do is find a steady supply of hard liquor to keep his brain nice and lubricated, but that’s easier said than done.

However, he soon finds a partner in talking severed head Alcibé (obviously) and together they find themselves starting up a half-arsed P.I business in exchange for somewhere to stay and the much needed Old Crow booze supply.

Whilst solving a crime here and there, and trying to find out how Jones died in the first place, him and the head meet a whole host of shady characters, and he’s never quite sure who to trust. He can’t even trust himself because he can’t remember who he is, or was.

I thought this was a really fun take on a zombie story. It kind of reminded me of a really messed up film noir. Place names like the Welcome Mat (the speakeasy) and Hat Scratch Fever (the zombie brothel where you can build your own prostitute limb by limb), along with the language Kozeniewski uses gave it a strong 30’s/ early 40’s vibe. All the guys are mooks and the girls are twists and skirts…I loved it.

I thought that use of language and style made the ridiculous, pulpy, plot seem a lot less ridiculous. I also liked how Jones answers all of the questions he wrote out in the earlier chapters one by one throughout the book.

If you’re a fan of light-hearted but gory horror with a sense of humor then give Braineater Jones a try.

Oh, and I didn’t even get round to the fetus-like old guy in a jar called ‘the boss’ who uses robotic arms and legs to get around and torture people with….like a cross between Benjamin Button and Dr. Robotnik. But in a jar. Why the hell not?

unicorn rating 4

Braineater Jones is available now in paperback, e-book and audio.

Coming Up/ New Releases

It’s been a while since I’ve done a coming up post, so here’s what you can expect to see on Lipsyy Lost & Found in the next month or so.

Suffer The Children – Craig DiLouie

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Genre(s):Horror; Paranormal
Publication Date: May 20th 2014 by Permuted Press

From an acclaimed horror writer, a chilling tale of blood-hungry children who rise from the dead in this innovative spin on apocalyptic vampire fiction.

Suffer the Children presents a terrifying tale of apocalyptic fiction, as readers are introduced to Herod’s Syndrome, a devastating illness that suddenly and swiftly kills all young children across the globe. Soon, they return from the grave…and ask for blood. And with blood, they stop being dead. They continue to remain the children they once were…but only for a short time, as they need more blood to live. The average human body holds ten pints of blood, so the inevitable question for parents everywhere becomes: How far would you go to bring your child back?

Take Back the Skies – Lucy Saxon

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Genre(s): YA; Fantasy; Steampunk
Expected Publication Date: June 5th 2014 by Bloomsbury (UK & ANZ)

Catherine Hunter is the daughter of a senior government official on the island of Anglya. She’s one of the privileged – she has luxurious clothes, plenty to eat, and is protected from the Collections which have ravaged families throughout the land. But Catherine longs to escape the confines of her life, before her dad can marry her off to a government brat and trap her forever.
So Catherine becomes Cat, pretends to be a kid escaping the Collections, and stows away on the skyship Stormdancer. As they leave Anglya behind and brave the storms that fill the skies around the islands of Tellus, Cat’s world becomes more turbulent than she could ever have imagined, and dangerous secrets unravel her old life once and for all . . .

The Apple Tart of Hope – Sarah Moore Fitzgerald

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Genre(s): YA; Contemporary
Expected Publication Date: June 5th 2014 by Orion

Oscar Dunleavy, who used to make the world’s most perfect apple tarts, is missing, presumed dead. No-one seems too surprised, except for Meg, his best friend, and his little brother Stevie. Surrounded by grief and confusion, Meg and Stevie are determined to find out what happened to Oscar, and together they learn about loyalty and friendship and the power of never giving up hope.

The second sensational novel from Irish author, Sarah Moore Fitzgerald, following her debut, BACK TO BLACKBRICK, perfect for fans of Annabel Pitcher and Siobhan Dowd.

Braineater Jones – Stephen Kozeniewski

brain

Genre(s): Horror
Publication Date: October 14th 2013 by Red Adept Publishing, LLC

Braineater Jones wakes up face down in a swimming pool with no memory of his former life, how he died, or why he’s now a zombie. With a smart-aleck severed head as a partner, Jones descends into the undead ghetto to solve his own murder.

But Jones’s investigation is complicated by his crippling addiction to human flesh. Like all walking corpses, he discovers that only a stiff drink can soothe his cravings. Unfortunately, finding liquor during Prohibition is costly and dangerous. From his Mason jar, the cantankerous Old Man rules the only speakeasy in the city that caters to the postmortem crowd.

As the booze, blood, and clues coagulate, Jones gets closer to discovering the identity of his killer and the secrets behind the city’s stranglehold on liquid spirits. Death couldn’t stop him, but if the liquor dries up, the entire city will be plunged into an orgy of cannibalism.

Cracking this case is a tall order. Braineater Jones won’t get out alive, but if he plays his cards right, he might manage to salvage the last scraps of his humanity.

Burial Rites – Hannah Kent

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Genre(s): Historical Fiction; Mystery
Publication Date: February 27th 2014 by Picador

Set against Iceland’s stark landscape, Hannah Kent brings to vivid life the story of Agnes, who, charged with the brutal murder of her former master, is sent to an isolated farm to await execution.

Horrified at the prospect of housing a convicted murderer, the family at first avoids Agnes. Only Tóti, a priest Agnes has mysteriously chosen to be her spiritual guardian, seeks to understand her. But as Agnes’s death looms, the farmer’s wife and their daughters learn there is another side to the sensational story they’ve heard.

Riveting and rich with lyricism, BURIAL RITES evokes a dramatic existence in a distant time and place, and asks the question, how can one woman hope to endure when her life depends upon the stories told by others?

Have you already read some of these? Let me know what you thought!